The title is a lyric from a great damn song. KT Tunstall's album comes out February 7 and this song, Black Horse and The Cherry Tree is its first awesome single. Clicking the title will take you to KT Tunstall's myspace site and you can hear this song that's been keepipng a smile on my face.
So I'm back after a much needed hiatus. I spent a week at my parnets house, saw some old friends, vegged out, tried to get a grip, and come to terms with what I really want to do with my life. It's complicated, but suffice it to say, we have lots to talk about here on these pages in the next few weeks. This post seemed neccessary first and may do some good getting us all on the same page.
I read my posts before break and I was limping to the finish line. I was really struggling to find anything to say. I have really been struggling to do much lately. If you had the energy to read those, God bless you. I'll try not to phone it in any longer.
I need to share this with you...about two years ago now I was in a dark place emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I went into the counselor on campus and filled out a questionare. I checked all the symptoms that applied to me. Here is a listing of that checklist. I'll higlight what I was feeling.
constant feelings of sadness, irritability, or tension
decreased interest or pleasure in usual activities or hobbies
loss of energy, feeling tired despite lack of activity
a change in appetite, with significant weight loss or weight gain
a change in sleeping pattern, such as difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much
restlessness or feeling slowed down
decreased ability to make decisions or concentrate
feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or guilt
thoughts of suicide or death
In about two seconds the counselor informed me that I was suffering from depression. The final diagnosis or classification as it were is Major Depression Recurrent Severe which basically means my depression can return and returns strong. I took Welbutrin, a mild anti-depressant from Thanksgiving Day 2003 to the first day of camp in July 2004 and was really feeling quite a bit more like myself. That summer I kicked ass with my mission trip, camp, and VBS, even met a girl on the mission trip and dated her for a while. I was really feeling pretty good through 2004, which reflected in my work and school, that semester I earned academic distinction.
About the middle of last March I started feeling the gray seeping back in.
What I've learned is that depression is a chemical problem within one's brain. I've known this for two years, but another problem in my brain is that I have a lot of faith in myself. I felt I should be able to beat it, and so this time I did not seek treatment and tried to get through my busiest time of year without help. Little did I know I would also be battling the forces of closed-mindedness, selfish idealism, difficult goodbyes, and my own inexplicable personal representation for people of all things gay come July!
As far as what happens chemically in the brain, check out www.depression.com and click on Understanding Depression. They have a great animated explanation of what happens. Basically the neurotransmitters in my brain aren't getting where they are supposed to be, and my brain doesn'ty regulate emotions properly.
As far as what happens to me...
I disappear.
It begins simply as less energy and a heightened pessimism. The next stop is little doses of anxiety, having trouble being in certain social situations and speaking out. By the end, when I finally resigned to the fact that I could not overcome it, I was paralyzed with sadness. I could barely get out of my house to do any of the things I needed to do. It becomes about control-so I can do the things I am totally in control of-lead youth meetings, visit the hospital, even preach. I cannot do what is beyond just my control-class is hard to attend, social settings are impossible, and little things like going to the post office or grocery store become insurmountable obstacles. I lose the ability to concentrate and focus for very long, making the 36 pages of papers I was to turn in last semester a real challenge. My sleep pattern gets wackier than usual. I'm often up lots of nights in a row and then asleep for huge chucks of hours. My thoughts overcome logic and regardless of any rational conclusions my emotion is almost always set on sad, except when its paused for a moment on utter annoyance.
December 14 I started taking Welbutrin again. They say it takes two weeks to start affecting you, so Christmas break was fun! I had my moments. There were two or three whol afternoons where I felt in control. But a lot of evenings and mornings especially when the thoughts wouldn't stop. New Year's Eve I was in such a dark place I actually stayed at my parent's house alone while they went out. And, in what I'm sure we'll laugh about someday, actually was pissed when they got home around 12:30. It's supposed to be six months before I am totally back. I have had some good days and bad the last week since I came home. I actually enjoyed seeeing my mom's side of the family this weekend. Christmas Eve and Day I was annoyed by everybody!
My sister says I haven't been myself for a year and a half. Dad says I may have been depressed since I was a teenager. There's a good shot that I've at least expereicned depression more than these two times.
I had a horrible conversation with my parents before I left home. I don't know how to communicate to them how much I don't feel like myself when this darkness sets in. I feel bad about it, but only as much as I feel anything. I'm coming back, but I won't be back soon. My pills aren't magic.
I'm writing this not because I need or want your help. Unless any of you actually do have magic pills there's little you can do. I'm writing this because I've asked for prayers but not specified a reason. I'm writing this because it's the only thing I've thought about for three weeks, which sadly is an improvement, because I'm at least choosing what to think about. I'm writing this because maybe other people have been feeling this way and can talk to me. I 'm writing this because in the process of coming out of this I have already begun to see things differently, especially my immediate future.
My sister said I've been a youth minister since she was a junior in high school and I almost wept at that thought. She's buying a house and turns 24 in March. But I've been a youth minister since I was 19!!!
Holy shit!
I think I may need to stop the car and get out and stretch my legs for a bit before I take the exit coming up.
If you have questions for me directly, I truly am exposing my thorns here. I'd like to talk about it in an open forum. Post a comment or email me.
If you think you may be suffering from depression or might know someone who is check out www.depressionhurts.com and see the symptom body map and the self-assessment checklist.
For now I have work to do in many ways. The work of my job is beginning to interest me again. We actually have a great Youth Sunday planned for february 5 if any of you are close enough to make it up or over for it. The work of getting my life back in order, or at least back in my hands continues. Today was better than yesterday. Yesterday was better than the day before. That makes the outlook for tommorrow something worth looking forward to.
Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of overcoming it. -Helen Keller
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