The title today comes from a Blues Traveler song called Look Around. It was in my head and fit what I wanted to write about. Clicking on the title will bring you to a magical Merry Christmas/Happy Holiday Non-denominational near as I can tell celebratory video clip that I found truly amazing. Some people have too much time on their hands!
Because I am preparing myself to live amongst hippies I have begun to pay attention to what people more liberal than me are doing/complaining about. Simultaneously, to keep a grip on what I deem reality I have been watching what nutjobs on the other side of the spectrum are planning/steamed over. Today these two worlds collided in California, or at least on Yahoo News' coverage of California as these two headlines ran:
Wal-Mart Confronted on 'Happy Holidays'
You've got mail, and maybe gonorrhea
I feel like I could just say God Bless America and that'd be enough on these two topics, but let's spend some time dissecting them.
The first story was set in Sacramento, where the Terminator lords over the state with an iron robotic hand. Our good friends the religious kooks staged a protest outside of a Wal-Mart, pissed that the chain used 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas' this year in ads and media spots. As one protestor put it, "Taking the word 'Christmas' out of the holiday implies there's something sinful about it." Actually I don't think that's true. 'Happy Holidays' isn't a phrase that invokes sin to me in any way. What he might have meant is the absence of the root word Christ might cause people to forget that this season is commemorative in theory of the birth of Jesus of Nazareth who many (2 billion) people on Earth believe was the Savior. Although he might've also forgotten that there are 4 billion other people who live here on Earth too and K-Mart doesn't have a 'Merry Ramadan' sign waving across the street. In fact, they don't have a menorah aisle or a Happy Kwanzaa book display in Wal-Mart, like they do for us Christians on our big day. And it isn't important to me to win this debate. 'Happy Holidays' seems pretty polite to me.
Those evil Wal-Mart execs came up with this lame excuse to explain the phrase:
Wal-Mart spokeswoman Amy Wyatt said the company has made no effort to remove Christmas from its holiday ads. She said a promotion set to run from mid-November to early January was simply misunderstood: its slogan is "home for the holidays."
"It was a matter of choosing a slogan that carries through the entire season," Wyatt said. "The signs went up before Thanksgiving and won't be taken down until after New Year's. The idea was to focus on the family." Oh, family...well that's different.
No wait, the rabid zealots continued. About 50 protesters took part in Saturday's demonstration, organized by religious leaders. Dick Otterstad of the Church of the Divide donned a Santa Claus costume and greeted shoppers with the message: Don't forget about the meaning of Christmas.
That's right, put on a Santa costume deacon to remind us about the meaning of Christmas!
But let's take a break and see what our other friends, the gay liberals are doing today in California, just a train ride south in San Francisco...
In an effort to rid the world of HIV, AIDS, STD's and what other sexually transmitted chunks of letters humans can infect each other with, two companies, in LA and San Fran have begun to offer a service that allows people to send an email, often anonymously to casual sexual pertners alerting them that they might've just gotten an STD.
Merry Christmas, I might have just given you a permanent burning sensation!
Happy Holidays...you have herpes.
Doesn't seem to make much difference which one we use in those examples huh?
The only thing dumber than this site, is its proponents:
"This is another opportunity for people to disclose STD exposure to partners because sometimes people don't always have that face-to-face opportunity, or that level of relationship," Karen Mall, director of prevention and testing at the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, said on Thursday.
That's right it's hard to have that face to face opportunity when you're sexually active with someone. Just ruins the moment to say, 'hey before we do this...' doesn't it?
And how can you attain a level of relationship worthy of disclosing that you might have HIV if you disclose that you have HIV early in a relationship?
"Partner disclosure is where we really have the opportunity to break the chain of HIV infection," Mall said. After making an ass out of herself.
And just when I thought the idea couldn't be more preposterous I read the site allows users to choose one of six free e-cards to send to their sexual contacts either unsigned or with a personal message that avoids awkward face-to-face disclosure.
"It's not what you brought to the party, it's what you left with," says one e-card featuring a picture of a bare-chested man. "I left with an STD. You might have one too. Get checked out soon."
"You're too hot to be out of action," says another.
And here's where our two rants intertwine.
These cards, this site, the whole notion of awkward face to face conversations misses the point of what sex is supposed to be. It should be about two sweaty-palmed kids or two lonely forty year olds awkwardly staring into eachother's eyes and hashing out what they really want and need from one another. Is it crazy to wish people who 'made love' to one another were 'in love' with eachother? I won't even make the case they should be married or even committed though I could, but I'm not a Youth Minister here. I certainly won't tell you I don't like physical contact myself, but how little must you know about the person and how much less must you care if the way you tell them such a big thing is through a damn unsigned e-card?
Sex should be magical, beautiful, wonderful, spiritual, not casual-never procedural.
Sex should not be anonymous.
I'll listen to any group of people try to tell me why they should be able to marry who they want, sleep with who they want, and fall in love with who they do, but I won't let anyone say they can have anonymous casual sex, so much so they send email test results the morning after.
God created sex to be this spiritual connection between two people and these people are missing that larger point and its greater beauty.
In a similar way Santa and the Religious elves outside of Wal-Mart are missing the larger point too.
Is there anything that has less to do with the 'true meaning of Christmas' than our tradition of buying shit for eachother?
Is there any more visible symbol of our dependency on consumption than a Wal-Mart store? These folks ought to be protesting outside the megachurches that aren't having worship on Christmas, or the inner-city churches that don't do any inner-city ministry, or the Christian organizations that spend their money preaching on TV about who to vote for and what leaders of other countries we should assasinate instead of using the power of that exposure to lift people up. They should be outside of my church which doesn't have a budget for mission work and grumbles when we fundraise for youth mission trips. In truth, they probably better be protesting inside their own church if Wal-Mart's ad campaign is this high a priority to their congregation.
When Christmas gets reduced to what we call it-'Holidays', 'X-mas', 'Chrismahannukwanzaa', whatever, it is already lost to its deeper meaning. Call it whatever makes you feel comfortable and let me do the same. I call it Christmas, because that's what the holiday season means to me, but I don't live here alone and it shouldn't be made to be people's only option. Christmas is supposed to be this blessed event in human history, simply occuring whether the world makes note of it or not.
That same man who thought 'Happy Holidays' was so sinful (incidently the idiot in the Santa getup) said, "It is insulting that Wal-Mart has chosen to ignore the reason for the season."
Actually, buddy, and I mean this in the most Christian way in the midst of our most paegented season, no, it is insulting that you've chosen to ignore the reason for the season.
Instead of spending the day at a soup kitchen or working for Habitat for Humanity, or Heaven forbid talking to kids about sex and STDS's you spent the day outside a Wal-Mart making an ass out of yourself and in a way all of us who call ourselves Christians. Unfortunately, Jesus doesn't send us e-cards when we might've been infected by the world.
Dec 17, 2005
Dec 16, 2005
All our times have come. Here, but now they're gone. Seasons don't fear the reaper.
I've actually never liked Blue Oyster Cult or the song Don't Fear The Reaper where our title comes form today. However Will Ferrel and Chritopher Walken changed all that in what must have been the best SNL skit since Dana Carvey left (except that episode Ian McKellan hosted). Anyway, click the link to watch that skit! I'd do this before or after you've pondered my post. Regardless of how life changing this quote is, I promise this is one damn funny skit!
Fear is the sand in the machinery of life someone once wrote.
Today I post my single most favorite quote and ask each of you to ponder it for a while. I could give a sermon about how useless I feel fear is, in fact I have. Sparing you that I will just leave you with this quote. In fact the whole book is pretty great.
I've seen this quote attributed to Nelson Mandela, which would be believable, but isn't true, although he has used this quote himself. I wonder what it would mean to have a leader that motivated us to be better? Okay, that's definitely a different day. Here's a little story about where I first found the quote. I expect you to print it out and chew on it, maybe even comment!
I was in Memphis, TN a few years ago just after they'd built a new high tech library. In front of the building is a wlkway filled with wisdom and they have these sculptures that look like scrolls, five of them. Four of them are rolled out and engraved into them are marks of history, discoveries, quotes, ideas, scriptures of many faiths, political ideas, poetry, songs, and diagrams. The fifth one is blank to represent what will be written and discovered in the future. It is an amazing sampling of God’s children’s ideas. And just before you enter the door to the library, as an unmarked centerpiece to this monument read these words:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous ? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
Chapter 7, Section 3
by Marianne Williamson
Fear is the sand in the machinery of life someone once wrote.
Today I post my single most favorite quote and ask each of you to ponder it for a while. I could give a sermon about how useless I feel fear is, in fact I have. Sparing you that I will just leave you with this quote. In fact the whole book is pretty great.
I've seen this quote attributed to Nelson Mandela, which would be believable, but isn't true, although he has used this quote himself. I wonder what it would mean to have a leader that motivated us to be better? Okay, that's definitely a different day. Here's a little story about where I first found the quote. I expect you to print it out and chew on it, maybe even comment!
I was in Memphis, TN a few years ago just after they'd built a new high tech library. In front of the building is a wlkway filled with wisdom and they have these sculptures that look like scrolls, five of them. Four of them are rolled out and engraved into them are marks of history, discoveries, quotes, ideas, scriptures of many faiths, political ideas, poetry, songs, and diagrams. The fifth one is blank to represent what will be written and discovered in the future. It is an amazing sampling of God’s children’s ideas. And just before you enter the door to the library, as an unmarked centerpiece to this monument read these words:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous ? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
Chapter 7, Section 3
by Marianne Williamson
Dec 13, 2005
You love this town even if that doesn't ring true. You've been all over and it's been all over you. It's a Beautiful day!
Sometimes I'm of the opinion that this is one of the three greatest bands of all-time and sometimes I am annoyed by them, but I'm never unaware of them. Today's title/lyric comes from U2 and their hit Beautiful Day, which I woke up to every day for a couple months when living with the roommate I tell the story on in this post. Click on the title to go to their website. May I suggest watching their video for Original Of The Species while you are there.
After my last post I got to thinking about my former roommate in Evansville and still a good friend of mine. For reasons of disclosure we'll call him...uh...Travis for the rest of this post.
(Travis) was in the National Guard and each semester would get a pretty hefty check cut to him for tuition and books as part of the G.I. Bill. (Travis), like me at the time to a much greater degree, began losing his hair, just a little in the front. It was barely noticeable, except that he constantly stood in front of the mirror and played with his hair and asked us numerous unhetero questions like 'does my hair look okay?' or 'have you noticed my hairline?' which were par for the course because he was always asking unhetero questions like that. We encouraged him he looked fine for the first few months and then decided it would be more fun to start making a big deal out of it, which was mean, but not totally a surprise if you know my friends. After a few more months of unhealthy obsession (Travis) decided he would use his next G.I. Bill to get a hair transplant, or graft procedure done. This was met with much skepticism and chiding by his peers especially from me, who at this time was receded to the front of both temples. But (Travis) was convinced this would boost his confidence-even though he was by far the best-looking of all my friends. Who's unhetero now?
Anyway, the day arrived for the procedure and who do you guess was asked to drive him to the clinic? That's right. His actually bald friend J.D.. I got up that morning, pretty early for me, especially on a Saturday, like at 8 or something and immediately pulled a baseball hat over my glistening forehead, and found my roommate at the mirror, taking his last look at inevitability before the U.S. Government changed all that. We got in my car and headed for the place, all the while I'm complaining about how unbald he is and how unnecessary this is to no avail. When we arrived, even though I had a hat on and he clearly was leading me in, the damn receptionist (who was dressed like a nurse (?)) asked me if I was the patient in one of the many George Costanza the world likes to crap on me moments this day would be providing. After (Travis) explained he was the patient, and we both saw the look she gave me, they ushered him away and told me I could wait in the waiting room.
I sat in the waiting room for about ten minutes, all the while with my hat on, surrounded by before and after pictures and magazines full of hair treatment medications, balms, and secret concoctions guaranteed to work. I got the feeling the receptionist/nurse was about to come give me the sales pitch, and I felt a bit like I'd been ratted out, so instead I approached her and asked if there were any reason I couldn't go across the street to the mall and come back to get (Travis). She told me that he would be about an hour. I hopped in my car and hit the mall at around 8:30 on a Saturday.
Have you ever been to a mall at 8:30 on a Saturday? Don't ever. It is a depressing place. Do you know who's at a mall on a Saturday at 8:30? No teenagers opening up the Bed, Bath, and Beyond or hanging out at the arcade. No college students hitting Starbucks or working at the Cell Phone island. No young people at all readying their days at HatWorld or the Jewlery Store. In fact there are no businesses open. No Food Court. No Footlocker. No Spencers Gifts, good for a ten minute timekill, but never bought anything from. No Suncoast Movie Company where I get ideas for what I'd like to buy online. No Book store. No Music store. Do you know what awaits you at 8:30 on a Saturday in a mall? Do you know who is there? Old people. More specifically, old fat people. And they are wearing skin tight sweat pants and jumpsuits that swish and they are walking back and forth like caged animals, either waiting for JC Penny to open or Cinnabun, and one can't tell which by the glares in there beady bespectaced eyes. I walked unkowingly into the middle of this geriatric excersise facility and wouldn't you know who I saw...church people.
It is the single worst part of my job. One cannot go anywhere without seeing someone from church in the town he works in. The Dentist's, the Doctor's, the Supermarket, the Movie Theater, the local bar, the local liquor store, the local pawn shop, the casino. They are all there, seemingly more innocent than you and always staring knowingly at your implied evil intentions. And here they were at the mall at the crack of dawn in matching His and Hers jumpsuits and visors, smiling that the Youth Director was before them on this happy day. I stopped and said hello, hoping that would be all. I knew these people, but I didn't know them really. There are some church people when seen at the above mentioned places makes those experiences more enjoyable. These were not those kind of church people. These were people I knew, but didn't know, you know?
As they walked toward me returning my hello the man asked if I was there to walk with them and I did good to say nothing in my head but 'no'. Although I was thinking about saying, 'I didn't bring a costume'. As I congratulated myself for the diplomatic wherewithall to just say that, the woman bent down, rubbed my belly like Buddha and said, "It wouldn't hurt you to walk a few laps." Suddenly the Hair Treatment Center seemed appealing. I wished them well vocally, even if I didn't mean it, turned right around and walked back to my car, drove to the Hair place and waited outside. (Travis) came out twnety minutes later or so, with a bandage around his head like they'd labotomized him. We went and got some drive-thru Hardee's and they messed up my order. After I ate the scraped off sandwich, having removed all the stuff I didn't wnat on it to begin with, I decided to got to bed. I'd seen this episode and what happened next was I got seen naked by Jerry's girlfriend after swimming in cold water. I thought dreaming was a better choice.
(Travis) spent a good part of the next few months obsessing over the surgery. To be honest I could never see a difference and he suffered from a lot of teasing that he culd've avoided and spent a lot of money he could've used in other ways. Perhaps it boosted his confidence and that made it all worth it. As for me, that day promted one of my many half-hearted diets. I've never really been skinny, but I might think about trying it some day. I think my next blog will be a rant about being Buddha-eque, cause I have a lot of observations worth sharing. I know I've gotten away from expressing deeper things in these blogs, but it's finals week so I've needed the outlet. Here's quote to think about or remember. Hope all of your mall experiences this holiday season are more uplifting and successful than the one reocunted here.
Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.
-Jackie Gleason
After my last post I got to thinking about my former roommate in Evansville and still a good friend of mine. For reasons of disclosure we'll call him...uh...Travis for the rest of this post.
(Travis) was in the National Guard and each semester would get a pretty hefty check cut to him for tuition and books as part of the G.I. Bill. (Travis), like me at the time to a much greater degree, began losing his hair, just a little in the front. It was barely noticeable, except that he constantly stood in front of the mirror and played with his hair and asked us numerous unhetero questions like 'does my hair look okay?' or 'have you noticed my hairline?' which were par for the course because he was always asking unhetero questions like that. We encouraged him he looked fine for the first few months and then decided it would be more fun to start making a big deal out of it, which was mean, but not totally a surprise if you know my friends. After a few more months of unhealthy obsession (Travis) decided he would use his next G.I. Bill to get a hair transplant, or graft procedure done. This was met with much skepticism and chiding by his peers especially from me, who at this time was receded to the front of both temples. But (Travis) was convinced this would boost his confidence-even though he was by far the best-looking of all my friends. Who's unhetero now?
Anyway, the day arrived for the procedure and who do you guess was asked to drive him to the clinic? That's right. His actually bald friend J.D.. I got up that morning, pretty early for me, especially on a Saturday, like at 8 or something and immediately pulled a baseball hat over my glistening forehead, and found my roommate at the mirror, taking his last look at inevitability before the U.S. Government changed all that. We got in my car and headed for the place, all the while I'm complaining about how unbald he is and how unnecessary this is to no avail. When we arrived, even though I had a hat on and he clearly was leading me in, the damn receptionist (who was dressed like a nurse (?)) asked me if I was the patient in one of the many George Costanza the world likes to crap on me moments this day would be providing. After (Travis) explained he was the patient, and we both saw the look she gave me, they ushered him away and told me I could wait in the waiting room.
I sat in the waiting room for about ten minutes, all the while with my hat on, surrounded by before and after pictures and magazines full of hair treatment medications, balms, and secret concoctions guaranteed to work. I got the feeling the receptionist/nurse was about to come give me the sales pitch, and I felt a bit like I'd been ratted out, so instead I approached her and asked if there were any reason I couldn't go across the street to the mall and come back to get (Travis). She told me that he would be about an hour. I hopped in my car and hit the mall at around 8:30 on a Saturday.
Have you ever been to a mall at 8:30 on a Saturday? Don't ever. It is a depressing place. Do you know who's at a mall on a Saturday at 8:30? No teenagers opening up the Bed, Bath, and Beyond or hanging out at the arcade. No college students hitting Starbucks or working at the Cell Phone island. No young people at all readying their days at HatWorld or the Jewlery Store. In fact there are no businesses open. No Food Court. No Footlocker. No Spencers Gifts, good for a ten minute timekill, but never bought anything from. No Suncoast Movie Company where I get ideas for what I'd like to buy online. No Book store. No Music store. Do you know what awaits you at 8:30 on a Saturday in a mall? Do you know who is there? Old people. More specifically, old fat people. And they are wearing skin tight sweat pants and jumpsuits that swish and they are walking back and forth like caged animals, either waiting for JC Penny to open or Cinnabun, and one can't tell which by the glares in there beady bespectaced eyes. I walked unkowingly into the middle of this geriatric excersise facility and wouldn't you know who I saw...church people.
It is the single worst part of my job. One cannot go anywhere without seeing someone from church in the town he works in. The Dentist's, the Doctor's, the Supermarket, the Movie Theater, the local bar, the local liquor store, the local pawn shop, the casino. They are all there, seemingly more innocent than you and always staring knowingly at your implied evil intentions. And here they were at the mall at the crack of dawn in matching His and Hers jumpsuits and visors, smiling that the Youth Director was before them on this happy day. I stopped and said hello, hoping that would be all. I knew these people, but I didn't know them really. There are some church people when seen at the above mentioned places makes those experiences more enjoyable. These were not those kind of church people. These were people I knew, but didn't know, you know?
As they walked toward me returning my hello the man asked if I was there to walk with them and I did good to say nothing in my head but 'no'. Although I was thinking about saying, 'I didn't bring a costume'. As I congratulated myself for the diplomatic wherewithall to just say that, the woman bent down, rubbed my belly like Buddha and said, "It wouldn't hurt you to walk a few laps." Suddenly the Hair Treatment Center seemed appealing. I wished them well vocally, even if I didn't mean it, turned right around and walked back to my car, drove to the Hair place and waited outside. (Travis) came out twnety minutes later or so, with a bandage around his head like they'd labotomized him. We went and got some drive-thru Hardee's and they messed up my order. After I ate the scraped off sandwich, having removed all the stuff I didn't wnat on it to begin with, I decided to got to bed. I'd seen this episode and what happened next was I got seen naked by Jerry's girlfriend after swimming in cold water. I thought dreaming was a better choice.
(Travis) spent a good part of the next few months obsessing over the surgery. To be honest I could never see a difference and he suffered from a lot of teasing that he culd've avoided and spent a lot of money he could've used in other ways. Perhaps it boosted his confidence and that made it all worth it. As for me, that day promted one of my many half-hearted diets. I've never really been skinny, but I might think about trying it some day. I think my next blog will be a rant about being Buddha-eque, cause I have a lot of observations worth sharing. I know I've gotten away from expressing deeper things in these blogs, but it's finals week so I've needed the outlet. Here's quote to think about or remember. Hope all of your mall experiences this holiday season are more uplifting and successful than the one reocunted here.
Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.
-Jackie Gleason
Dec 12, 2005
Don't let those ads get you down. We'll start our own trend: virile, happy bald men and we'll get all the chicks in this town.
The title/lyric comes from a song written by Mick Terry, but the link is one I thought would be more enjoyable! Click the title to play a game starring one of the most popular bald men in history.
TOP TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING BALD
10 Never have hat hair
9 In a street fight, I have less to grab
8 I can be ready to go out in seconds
7 I haven't paid for a haircut in two years
6 While my friends' appearance will drastically change over the next three decades, I will look relatively the same, and while I may look older now in comparison, I will seem timeless when we're 50!
5 If money ever gets tight I can sell advertising space most don't have available.
4 The Man and His Two Wives by Aesop
A middle-aged man had two wives, one who was old and one who was young. Each one desired to see him like herself. Now the man's hair was turning gray, which the young wife did not like, as it made him look too old for her husband. So every night she used to comb his hair and pull out the white ones. But the elder wife saw her husband growing gray with great pleasure, for she did not like to be mistaken for his mother. So every morning she used to arrange his hair and pull out as many of the black ones as she could. In consequence the man soon found himself entirely bald.
Moral: Yield to all and you will soon have nothing to yield.
J.D.'s Moral: I can date within a thirty year age range...for the next thirty years!!! Hide your daughters!
3 I've had the same bottle of shampoo since last February.
2 Association with other bald men. Top Ten within the Top Ten:
Top Ten Bald Men in History
First, the Honorable Mentions: Telly Suvalis (Kojack), Ving Rhames (Well...Kojack), Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile), Michael Stipe (R.E.M.), Paul Schaeffer (Late Show with David Letterman (who should probably be on this list if he was honest with himself)), Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins), Stephen Covey (7 Habits...), Jesse Ventura (The Body, Brain, Blowhard), Anthony Edwards (Goose!, Dr. Green), Moby (for nothing except that he dated Natalie Portman), Ed Harris (Great Actor, Apollo 13, Pollack, Truman Show), Mark Messier (A star, but I hate hockey), Steve Austin (cause he could kick my ass), Dick Vitale (baby!), C.S. Lewis (read him all you can), and the Apostle Peter (who probably should've made the Top Ten, but I just thought of him, and I did the honorable mentions after I did the list.) Okay, for his impact on the world, Peter is number one, then, barely behind him in some cases regarding popularity I'm afriad is the following...
10 Andre Agassi (Tennis Great, once had a massive 80's mane, now, still one of the best is bald and much cooler)
9 Bruce Willis (The Die Hard Trilogy alone grants him status as cool, let alone how many hot women he dated/married when they were young, but his turn in Unbreakable (a great great movie) purely shaved grants him Top Ten status here
8 Dave Chappelle (One of the funniest men in America right now, even if he's flipped out as of late)
7 Sean Connery (As he gets older, still the best Bond, begins to show more of the chrome dome with each role)
6 Yul Brynner (The Bald Godfather, has me rooting for Pharaoh, the King, and all sorts of authority figures throughout his movie career)
5 (Tie) Cal Ripken, Jr. and Patrick Stewart (Baseball's Iron Man and one of its nicest guys and Star Trek's best Captian ever, Professor X, and a hell of an actor stumped me)
4 William Shakespeare (Lest we forget I was a theatre major for a fortknight)
3 Samuel L. Jackson (Jedi-Master, greatest thing to ever happen to Quentin Tarantino, coolest actor with a chrome dome, with apologies to #7, but Shaft succeeded where Bond failed-he was cool, tough, AND bald! Wow! Standing ovation to you, future Oscar winner, Mr. Mace Windu Jackson
2 Sir WInston Churchill (Leader of Great Britian during WWII, Nobel Prize winner)
1 Michael Jordan (Greatest Basketball Player of All-Time, National Icon. Come on was there any doubt?)
and the number one best thing about being bald...
1 I never have a bad hair day!
I have been writing this blogpost for a while in my head, had a free hour and thought I'd share it with you. Science says that I have my maternal grandfather to thank for my baldness, ofcourse when he passed on I was a little mop-top, even my pre-afro days. But I've said for a long time, whenever I see him again, and I believe I will, we will be discussing it. Meantime I am on the lookout for any beautiful women with an aversion to hair or a fetish for baldness. Strange as that sounds, I bet without looking too hard I could find one. Because the world is just full of crazy and i am a magnet for it. Found these lyrics today that gave me hope. I'll leave you with it. Hope everyone is having a good hair day!
BALD MEN
(lyrics by Christine Lavin)
I don't like men who exaggerate
about the places they've been
about the money they've made
I like a man who's honest and true
You can look him in the eye
When he's talking to you
I like men who accept who they are
Not everyone can look like a movie star
If you can follow this thought
to it's logical end
You can see why I like bald-headed men
. . . ooh, I like bald-headed men
Everyone knows that it's testosterone
that turns bushy-haired men into a chrome dome
But testosterone is what makes a man a man
The more that he's got the more that he can
Do the things that make the women go "Oy!"
I'll take the bald-headed man over a big-haired boy
Big-haired boys make very good friends
But they cannot compare to bald-headed men
I've said it before
I'll say it again
I like bald-headed men
So why did you waste your money
joining that hair club for guys?
Oh, why would you cover your manly badge of honor
with such a bad disguise?
Oh, why would you throw away money on Rogaine and Minoxidil?
When all they can guarantee are years and years of pharmacy bills
. . . please don't do it!
I believe the hair replacement industry for men
is like the cosmetic industry for women
A giant black hole that will suck your money away
for the rest of your life
. . . please don't do it!
No matter how you fight it, time marches on
Some new things appear, some old things are gone
Let it move - - it's a natural thing
Like a leaf on a tree or a bird on a wing
Try looking in your mirror from a whole different place
You're not losing hair, you're gaining face
Be confident! Be cool! It won't be long when
You are bound to be one of the bald-headed men
Said it before
I'll say it again
I love bald-headed men
TOP TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING BALD
10 Never have hat hair
9 In a street fight, I have less to grab
8 I can be ready to go out in seconds
7 I haven't paid for a haircut in two years
6 While my friends' appearance will drastically change over the next three decades, I will look relatively the same, and while I may look older now in comparison, I will seem timeless when we're 50!
5 If money ever gets tight I can sell advertising space most don't have available.
4 The Man and His Two Wives by Aesop
A middle-aged man had two wives, one who was old and one who was young. Each one desired to see him like herself. Now the man's hair was turning gray, which the young wife did not like, as it made him look too old for her husband. So every night she used to comb his hair and pull out the white ones. But the elder wife saw her husband growing gray with great pleasure, for she did not like to be mistaken for his mother. So every morning she used to arrange his hair and pull out as many of the black ones as she could. In consequence the man soon found himself entirely bald.
Moral: Yield to all and you will soon have nothing to yield.
J.D.'s Moral: I can date within a thirty year age range...for the next thirty years!!! Hide your daughters!
3 I've had the same bottle of shampoo since last February.
2 Association with other bald men. Top Ten within the Top Ten:
Top Ten Bald Men in History
First, the Honorable Mentions: Telly Suvalis (Kojack), Ving Rhames (Well...Kojack), Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile), Michael Stipe (R.E.M.), Paul Schaeffer (Late Show with David Letterman (who should probably be on this list if he was honest with himself)), Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins), Stephen Covey (7 Habits...), Jesse Ventura (The Body, Brain, Blowhard), Anthony Edwards (Goose!, Dr. Green), Moby (for nothing except that he dated Natalie Portman), Ed Harris (Great Actor, Apollo 13, Pollack, Truman Show), Mark Messier (A star, but I hate hockey), Steve Austin (cause he could kick my ass), Dick Vitale (baby!), C.S. Lewis (read him all you can), and the Apostle Peter (who probably should've made the Top Ten, but I just thought of him, and I did the honorable mentions after I did the list.) Okay, for his impact on the world, Peter is number one, then, barely behind him in some cases regarding popularity I'm afriad is the following...
10 Andre Agassi (Tennis Great, once had a massive 80's mane, now, still one of the best is bald and much cooler)
9 Bruce Willis (The Die Hard Trilogy alone grants him status as cool, let alone how many hot women he dated/married when they were young, but his turn in Unbreakable (a great great movie) purely shaved grants him Top Ten status here
8 Dave Chappelle (One of the funniest men in America right now, even if he's flipped out as of late)
7 Sean Connery (As he gets older, still the best Bond, begins to show more of the chrome dome with each role)
6 Yul Brynner (The Bald Godfather, has me rooting for Pharaoh, the King, and all sorts of authority figures throughout his movie career)
5 (Tie) Cal Ripken, Jr. and Patrick Stewart (Baseball's Iron Man and one of its nicest guys and Star Trek's best Captian ever, Professor X, and a hell of an actor stumped me)
4 William Shakespeare (Lest we forget I was a theatre major for a fortknight)
3 Samuel L. Jackson (Jedi-Master, greatest thing to ever happen to Quentin Tarantino, coolest actor with a chrome dome, with apologies to #7, but Shaft succeeded where Bond failed-he was cool, tough, AND bald! Wow! Standing ovation to you, future Oscar winner, Mr. Mace Windu Jackson
2 Sir WInston Churchill (Leader of Great Britian during WWII, Nobel Prize winner)
1 Michael Jordan (Greatest Basketball Player of All-Time, National Icon. Come on was there any doubt?)
and the number one best thing about being bald...
1 I never have a bad hair day!
I have been writing this blogpost for a while in my head, had a free hour and thought I'd share it with you. Science says that I have my maternal grandfather to thank for my baldness, ofcourse when he passed on I was a little mop-top, even my pre-afro days. But I've said for a long time, whenever I see him again, and I believe I will, we will be discussing it. Meantime I am on the lookout for any beautiful women with an aversion to hair or a fetish for baldness. Strange as that sounds, I bet without looking too hard I could find one. Because the world is just full of crazy and i am a magnet for it. Found these lyrics today that gave me hope. I'll leave you with it. Hope everyone is having a good hair day!
BALD MEN
(lyrics by Christine Lavin)
I don't like men who exaggerate
about the places they've been
about the money they've made
I like a man who's honest and true
You can look him in the eye
When he's talking to you
I like men who accept who they are
Not everyone can look like a movie star
If you can follow this thought
to it's logical end
You can see why I like bald-headed men
. . . ooh, I like bald-headed men
Everyone knows that it's testosterone
that turns bushy-haired men into a chrome dome
But testosterone is what makes a man a man
The more that he's got the more that he can
Do the things that make the women go "Oy!"
I'll take the bald-headed man over a big-haired boy
Big-haired boys make very good friends
But they cannot compare to bald-headed men
I've said it before
I'll say it again
I like bald-headed men
So why did you waste your money
joining that hair club for guys?
Oh, why would you cover your manly badge of honor
with such a bad disguise?
Oh, why would you throw away money on Rogaine and Minoxidil?
When all they can guarantee are years and years of pharmacy bills
. . . please don't do it!
I believe the hair replacement industry for men
is like the cosmetic industry for women
A giant black hole that will suck your money away
for the rest of your life
. . . please don't do it!
No matter how you fight it, time marches on
Some new things appear, some old things are gone
Let it move - - it's a natural thing
Like a leaf on a tree or a bird on a wing
Try looking in your mirror from a whole different place
You're not losing hair, you're gaining face
Be confident! Be cool! It won't be long when
You are bound to be one of the bald-headed men
Said it before
I'll say it again
I love bald-headed men
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