No matter how much Peter loved her, what made the Pan refuse to grow was that the hook brings you back.

This title comes from Blues Travelers song Hook. A great song from a great band. Click on this title to get to their website. I always missed this literary reference before a friend of mine thought I stole it a few years ago when I said I had a Peter Pan complex.

There's this one stoplight north of Bluffton, Indiana on Highway 1 that I've never gotten passed without being stopped. Never. In its three year existence, not once. No matter what time of day it is it stops me. No matter how fast I'm driving or where I need to be it stops me. No matter how many other cars are on the road, even if there are none, it stops me, and I always stop at it. I've been stopped at this light in rainstorms, snowstorms, sunny days, mornings, nights, daybreak, sunset and the only time I can remember getting passed it was the day before it was hung up when it was a dark lightless yellow box. Every time I try to cross its path I am stopped, momentarily, for sometimes seconds and sometimes lifetimes depending upon my mood and my errand.

Tonight I am struggling with the notion of growing up/growing wise. It seems like two things happen simultaneously with age. We know more which teaches us we know very little and we forget the simple truths that took us down the paths we are on.

One writer put it this way:
"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise" Alden Nowlan

I like that. Every time I think I've gotten to that point of life where I'm done doing stupid things and making poor choices (physically, spiritually, emotionally, and if Jace Thompson is involved legally) I prove that I have yet to make it to the place I think I'm headed. It's usually love that brings me to my stopping point, either my desire for it, inadequacy to give it, or my futile attempts to offer it to everyone. This can't be done. There are some people who have hurt me and no longer get the privilege of my love.

I think I've made my peace with this notion, that some of the people I have loved or would have loved have rejected me in some way or severed the bond I was offering them. What I can't make peace with are the people I have hurt. What I am not willing to accept is that there are any people who's love I deserve to lose. And there are more than I care or could remember. I'm afraid another got added to the list Saturday and more may follow as a result of that moment if I'm being honest with you or with me. I desired love more than I respected it for a few minutes too long.

I know that no one is perfect, I can forgive them, and as the bar has been set I am a grown-up. What I can not do is own up to how I have broken my own connections and lost certain privileges that had been offered to me. They are immeasurable losses if they are not repairable. Therefore I am not wise.

When I was younger I had two best friends, Keith Miller and Mike Neese. These guys were two of the eleven kids (not including my sister and I) my mom babysat at our house while I was growing up. One day I remeber Mike and I were standing in the front yard playing some game (which I don't remember) when I got mad at him for something and I punched him the nose, knocking him over and sending him rolling down the hill. When he stood up he had a bloody nose, I got in trouble, and we didn't speak the rest of the day.

The next day Mike and his little brother Scotty were two of the first kids to our house in the morning. He walked in my room where I was beginning a battle between He-Man and Skeletor. He grabbed Skeletor and held him up, mimicking his voice and saying 'I will defeat you He-man'. I smiled, lifted He-man and said, 'No I will defeat you!'

I was a dorky kid.

I am a dorky kid.

In thirty seconds we were over our fight, it hadn't mattered and didn't matter. I think I may have three friends in the world right now who would come to visit the day after I hurt them. That's a lot I guess given the circumstances. I haven't forged unconditional friendships with many people. Because I don't offer many people unconditional love.

I am not wise. And more times than I want to admit I am not good. I hurt people I love and care about and I do it because I am selfish and weak.

You do too.

How great it would be if we had the chance to be seven forever, playing with our friends and not worrying about feelings and broken promises and pain. Some of us had to grow up earlier than others and would go back in a heartbeat.

But we did grow up. We have grown up, and now we have two choices. We can stop-stop moving, stop trying, stop loving, stop growing, stop forgiving, stop walking down the path toward who we really are. Or we can keep going-seeking always to mend what can be mended, make peace with what cannot, and ultimately make peace with who we really are, at our best and worst.

Tonight, as soon as I publish this I have to drive home. I could avoid Highway 1 and miss getting stopped, there are other routes and different paths. I could choose to ignore the light, but it wouldn't make it green or right. I'm going to drive toward that light and if I have to stop, I'll stop, I'll smile at my luck and think about the next chance I get. I'll wait my few seconds or a lifetime depending upon where my thoughts are tonight. I'll keep going. Who knows, maybe tonight is my night.

To the ones I love I am sorry each time I fail to say it. If you have been asked to see this blog you are among them. To the ones I have hurt recently, anciently, spiriutally, emotionally I offer this humble confession-I am not always good. this will be no consolation. I will strive to be better. This is all any of us can do. I pray you all keep going. I pray you challenge me to do the same. I pray God has many more stops and starts for all of us.