No more waitin', tonight I feel the light I say the prayer. I open the door, I climb the stairs... (Coming To Terms) Part II

The title is the second half of the Bruce Springsteen lyric from last post. He cannot crack the Big Three, but he can have first dibs at repeating titleship. Click the title to read a great article about The Boss from Slate online magazine.

Coming To Terms
Part Two

When I was younger and we had to take the ISTEP tests I would always test in the high ninety percetiles. I was always in Gifted and Talented classes. I was always among the leaders of whatever class I was in, whatever school I was in. I remember hundreds of conversations with my parents that included the phrase "you can be anything you want to be J.D." and I know not every kid heard that.

And I know not every parent who says that believes it, but I believe mine did.

I became an incredible slacker, half-assing high school in some uncommunicated later rationalized nonverbal protest to how incredibly easy it all was. Now I tell kids high school is what they make of it, which is as important as I can make it without feeling dishonest. I made it a good nap, some fun times, and a lot of wasted talent. I had tested in the ninety percentile and finshed my senior year the lowest ranked smart kid in the class, somewhere above the middle and below the expectation, where academically I feel most comfortable.

But the problem is I believe it too-that I could be anything I want to be.

So here, 26 years into the game, I come to a new edge of reasoning I haven't yet explored, simply stated in the question I've been asking myself lately, "What am I waiting for?"

In March in Indiana and probably other places but I've never been, basketball is an all consuming distraction from life and work and school. We used to save up hallpasses to skip class for the library to watch the day games of the NCAA tournament and now we save up vacation days for it. There was always a sense in those early round games that a 16 seed might beat a 1 one year. And frequently 13s and 14s from little schools would beat up on underachieving teams from big ones. I still remember Valporaiso putting up a fight a few years ago, Butler hanging tough when Andrew Graves was there, and ISU showing their punch in the torunament beating Oklahoma. Sure those are three Indiana schools! I'm telling you, if you don't live here, it's insane! All year long though, in almost every sport, in almost every situation I'm rooting for the underdog. It's not only something I find consisent with my upbringing, but I think its consistent with my faith as well. The least shall be greatest, the meek shall inherit the Earth, one year Creighton will beat Duke! I'm cheering for the underdog.

But I've never been the underdog. Sure I'm fat and bald, with crazy eyes and a weird complexion, but is there anyone who thinks superficaial things really limit us, or that my particular looks are a hindrance to my abundant charm?

I am white-I think we've established they aren't the underdogs throughout history.
I am male-Yep, top dogs, regardless of what's fair.
I am American-Is there any doubt we're still the most envied country?
Middle-class-for as broke as I always am I fall into this category by birthright and on my own.
Christian-By choice I belong, with plenty of reservations, to the larger religion named Christianity.
I am young, demorgraphically-They market TV and movies to 18-39 year old males so my opinion means dollar signs.
Plus I am talented. I am wise beyond my years. Accomplished for my years. Soon, I'll be educated as much as any peer, with twice the experience. I can write and I can sing and I can speak and I can think and I can lead. People listen to me and trust me and come to me for advice and wisdom. I am not an underdog. I am not an underdog and my being a slacker serves no one but my inner fear of failing-which I've never really done!

Please don't read this as an ego piece, although my ego is sizable. It is time I started fulfilling some of my earlier promise.

I need to be speaking to 20 groups a year, leading worship or retreats with kids and parents. I need to record my music. I need to fulfill the last months of my call to this church while making myself emotionally available to the next thing(s). I need to challenge this church not to take the easy way out. I need to challenge myself the same way. I need to write with some purpose other than these self absorbed rants and little moral teachings to people I know love me. I need to focus next semester, so I can be all the places I am challenging myself to be and be fully available to those people. I need to get some drugs/therapy/sleep or making out in to get me over my damn funk. I need to start putting the ideas I have together for my future. I need to be persistent AND patient simultaneously. I need to continue to put things in perspective.

Reinhold Niebuhr's famous Serneity Prayer needs to be on my mind:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I don't belong at the bottom of the smart pack, the middle of the whole pack, or in the backrow with the slackers. I have been given too much to waste it not doing, or feeling too sad to overcome. I believe in myself, to a fault, to the end. It is a testament to those who have raised me and taught me, and on their behalf, finally I can no longer squander the time I have nor the gifts I've been given.

What do I want to be?

A (Leader, Preacher, Father, Son, Brother, Husband, Writer, Speaker, Singer, Friend, Counselor, Director, Dreamer, Visionary) who helps people live a better life. And not just a life changed, but a changed life that makes them want to help others too. Going by that list I have accomplished exactly four of the list if I'm honest and one was handed to me at birth and another a couple years later. I've earned two. I have work to do.

I need to climb the stairs from out of this gray. I need to get to work. I need to start living the life I'm capable of. I need to start being what I was meant to be. What moral teaching is there to render from this self absorbed affirmation? We all have work to do becoming what we were meant to be. Please try. Please help me try. If you're reading this you have played a role to this point in my life. Probably your take on what I've done thus far is a little more forgiving than mine. It doesn't matter. What matters is that there are things I need to be doing and its time I started doing them.