I said I love you...but I lied.

Now I am just post happy...

A minute ago I was looking for a specific song online when I saw an hilarious thing in the corner of the sreen:


Michael Bolton's Greatest Hits Volume One

Now, why this is funny might take a minute to sink in...

Let me help...

Michael Bolton's Greatest Hits Volume One

Write down all the Michael Bolton hits (songs) you can name.
MAYBE, if you are a fan you can name 12.

But you can't name 2 CDs worth, and this is the first installment of his Greatest Hits. That cracks me up.

The title today comes from one of his "hits" and clicking it will take you to Michael Bolton's obnoxious website. I dare you to go there, with your speakers turned up.

And while we're here let me rant a bit about "Classics" albums; Rod Stewart I think is to blame as he's begun an assault on every song written in America between 1920 and 1960, selling overproduced bad records to old women in Capris and SUVs.

We don't (well at least I don't) need to hear YOUR version of Georgia On My Mind. In fact, once Ray Charles recorded it we don't need to hear ANYONE's version of it-Willie Nelson gets a pass. Micahel Bolton's arguably biggest hit was a cover, When A Man Loves a Woman. And other schlocky performers all seem more credible next to Michael Bolton. I mean, at least Celine Dion renames her largely same sounding songs and sings her own, for the same audience I imagine as own Rod Stewart and Michael Bolton records.

I'm not mad. If any thing, the very fact that Michael Bolton gets to have a record called Greatest Hits makes me wanna become a singer. I just wish we lived in a world where artistry was more valuable than polish. Because then we could remove from our dials most of the following musicians:

Additions and subtractions may be made...

Here is a list of performers who I think are simply that (if that) and NOT artists, and some of them are beloved. All of whom I would be cool with never performing again...except in maybe reitrement homes, malls, and Casinos.

1 Recent Rod Stewart
2 Michael Bolton
3 Celine Dion
4 Josh Groban
5 Ringo Starr (that's right, I said it)
6 Hannah Montana, in fact ALL Disney acts
7 Anyone currently or formerly affiliated with American Idol with the exceptions of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood who have REAL chops
8 Including Il Divo
9 Especially Clay Aiken
10 Mandy Moore
11 Paris Hilton
12 Hillary Duff
13 Lindsay Lohan (obviously we're using the terms singer and performer loosely)
14 Nickelback (Rock's version of Michael Bolton)
15 Sugar Ray (Rock's version of Il Divo)
16 Early Rod Stewart (Rock's version of Recent Rod Stewart)
17 Any Actor/Singer, check that, Any / anything
18 Fred Durst and/or Limp Bizkit
19 Most New Punk/Emo bands
For instance Fall Out Boy (artists? NO) and Good Charlotte (drivel)
20 Anyone affiliated with "boy bands" circa 1985-2004 with the notable exception of Justin Timberlake who is a genius and really might bring sexy back.

And I just made that list in five minutes off the top of my head. These people don't seem to have anything to say, even the few actually talented among the list are not artists in any visible way. And while some of them have amazing voices or bodies, none with both I suppose, all is not lost. There should definitely be somewhere they can go.

Wait, there is, it's called Vegas!

Even some real artists are there...Elton John, The Killers, Barry Manillow, Wayne Newton. And loads of women in Capris and SUVs roll onto the strip everyday, in search of hearing elevator music live. God bless them, and here's holding out for Greatest Hits Volume Two!!!