But I won't lose no sleep on that

This title/lyric is just one line of a set of ridiculous lines that make up the lyrics from James Blunt's former number one hit You're Beautiful which I am sick of now. Daniel Powter, you're next. Clicking the title will let you see another singer/songwriter that I got sick of pretty fast.

My life is brilliant



























My life is brilliant

I hope somebody got that.

Where have all the lyricists gone?

One might be able to tell at this point that lyrics to songs are extremely powerful to me. However, for every Bob (knockin' on Heaven's door) Dylan there's a Gwen (b-a-n-a-n-a-s) Stefani and she doesn't even make the top ten of worst lyricists. (Mostly because she once wrote good songs for a good band called No Doubt. No doubt she deserves honorable mention for her recent work.)

So today I present the
Top Ten Worst Lyricists (I Can Think Of)

I tried to include only people who are still recording so The SPice Girls, M.C. Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and every 70's act were not eligible. And this will not be a worst songwriter list, although many of these folks would make that list too. Nor is this a worst song list which would probably host some of these people's work as well. This is a list of people who sing dumb/ridiculous/often pointless/cliche words in their music routinely. This is a list of people who have stupid lyrics most of the time.

Top Ten Worst Lyricists (I Can Think Of)

10 Alanis Morissette

I really like Alanis and I think she can be an amzing songwriter, but she makes this list largely on two songs.

Sample Lyrics

-from Ironic

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think
A little too ironic...and yeah I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Okay, that's a cute song and all, but here's my problem. Not all, indeed not many, of these things are in fact ironic. And I don't care about that, because I think the fact that a song called 'Ironic' isn't in fact a song about ironic things is in fact ironic. So does Alanis, as she's quoted asserting, which makes me have a problem. This was her first major label US release. She proved herself intelligent and capable of crafting great songs. She didn't need to try and outsmart us.

Then she writes this chestnut that I added a little something extra to:

-from Unsent (sometimes unsent letters shouldn't be recorded songs either)

dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship
with someone right now and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single
in the future and you want to come visit me in california
I would be open to spending time with you and finding
out how old you were when you wrote your first song

dear jonathan I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves
and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

dear terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing
but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive
and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time
you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me

dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality
and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass
but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
and that stopped us from going any further than we did
and it's kinda too bad becasue we could've had much more fun

dear lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time
and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could
we were together during a very tumultuous time
in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career about your whereabouts

dear j.d. we made out so much I got a rash on my cheeks and neck
and you got me addicted to fountain cokes
I've thought of you every time I've eaten processed cheese
and I still cheer for the White Sox whenever they're on
I think you have the greatest laugh of all people in the whole universe
although I've never met most of them

If you ever have to hear this dreadful song you'll understand that Alanis, though a pretty decent songsmith, deserved to be on this list.

9 Lil' Kim

What's scariest about Lil' Kim is that her lyrics sound more like promises than words to songs. She might actually rape us all one day.

-from This Is Who I Am (pay attention, this is a self description)

About five feet even, kinda small in the waist
Rap's sex symbol, real pretty in the face
So what I got even bigger titties than the lakes
Still a sophisticated lady with millions in the safe
Switch up flows like I switch up my clothes
More than Wilt Chamberlain switched up his hoes
I'm a perfectionist, gotta stay on my toes
Anything goes when you play with the pro's
I got everybody rappin' about jewelry and cars
Lil' Kim give you a platinum sixteen bars
I'm the real thing, ya'll karaoke stars
This is who I am

It takes a special kind of lady to call attention to her titties and sophistication in back to back lines.

-from Kitty Box (children under 13 should not read these)

Wanna lick get a taste of the dip, in my kitty box
Wanna play for a day dad-dy? In my kitty box
Wanna lick get a taste of the dip, in my kitty box
Wanna play for a day dad-dy? In my kitty box

Yeah, real sophisticated.

And now to Quebec's unabashed nympho...

8 Celine Dion

If there is a more pretentious performer I have not heard of them. Celine's lyrics alone create this persona, whether it is true or fair or not.

Sample Lyrics

-from Power of Love

The whispers in the morning
Of lovers sleeping tight
Are rolling like thunder now
As I look in your eyes

I hold on to your body
And feel each move you make
Your voice is warm and tender
A love that I could not forsake

Good rule of thumb; 'forsake' should never appear in anything written after 1850.

-from I Know What Love Is (By the way she sings about love more than Toby keith sings about himself)

I will fall
And you will catch me always
Time has taught me this
I will fly
And you'll be there to guide me
Straight up to my heart's highest wish
I feel you close to me
And I know what love is

Now there's no mountain
Too high for me to climb
No ocean so wide
That I could not reach the other side
Now I believe in me
Cause you live and breather in me
And nothing can come between
We are one star
No night can darken, Oh

I don't even need to include the god-awful Titanic song. Celine makes every song of major dramatic importance, even when they are simple lyrically and ridiculous which is every song I've ever heard her sing. What's great is that she lives in a universe where this is not an issue. What's scary is the number of people who live there with her.

7 Ying Yang Twins

These guys are responsible for some of the least responsible songwriting in recent years. I need to only include one song to make this point.

-from Wait (The Whisper Song) (Because if you whiseper you can be as vile as you want to be.)

I've edited this I think you'll see.

And they say a closed mouth don't get fed
So I don't mind asking for (rhymes with Ted)
You heard what I said, we need to make our way to the bed
And you can start usin' yo (same word as before, rhymes with red)
You like to (rhymes with truck), have yo legs open all in da (rhymes with putt)
Do it up slappin (sounds like class, but clearly lacks it)
cuz the (come on, you know this) gets rough
Switch the positions and ready to get down to business
So you can see what you've been missin'
You might had some but you never had none like this
Just wait til you see my (rhymes with trick)

Then the chorus is...

Ay (snitch)! wait til you see my (wick)
Wait til you see my (click)
Ay (ditch)! wait til you see my (tick)
Imma beat dat (? nothing rhymes with this word ?) up
Ay (stitch)! wait til you see my (sick)
Wait you see my (pick)
Ay (hitch)! wait til you see my (flick)
Imma beat dat (?)up

The worst part of this song? It was in heavy rotation on MTV for months, and even though it was edited, kids know all the same words we do.

6 Nelly

Yes I know he's a rapper, so they have a broader license than rockers or pop idols, but come on, these lyrics are just dumb.

Sample Lyrics

-from Hot in Herre (That's really how it's spelled.)

I was like, good gracious ass bodacious
Flirtatcious, tryin to show faces
Lookin for the right time to shoot my steam (you know)
Lookin for the right time to flash them G's
Then um I'm leavin, please believin
Me and the rest of my heathens
Check it, got it locked at the top of the four seasons
Penthouse, roof top, birds I feedin
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve, no teasin
I need you to get up up on the dance floor
Give that man what he askin for
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you
And cant nobody stop the juice so baby tell me whats the use

I feel like bustin loose when I hear this song and heading out to some hotel to feed the birds. And I've never once been anywhere where people started taking their clothes off when this song came on like the chorus requests. What's the point of this song if it doesn't prompt public nudity?

-from Pimp Juice (an astounding lyrical accomplishment)

You find it work on all color creeds and kinds
From ages 50 right down to 9
The Mayor of Nellyville and I won't resign, watch me recline
Cause you wanna put your feet on my rug, don'tcha?

I don't even know what to say. If I understood better what he's talking about I could understand better why anyone buys his albums.

5 Toby Keith

He'd land on this list if all he wrote was that 'boot in your ass' song, but he has other crappy songs. Lots of them! And most of them are about how cool he is or how blue-collar he is. I don't belive he's either. He has 37 songs with 'I' or 'me' in the title. His vanity peaks with 'If I Were Jesus', which I for one thank God he's not.

Sample Lyrics

-From I Wanna Talk About Me (which I honestly believe he does)

We talk about your work, how your boss is a jerk,
We talk about your church and your head when it hurts.
We talk about the troubles you’ve been havin’ wit your brother
’bout your daddy and your mother and your crazy ex-lover.
We talk about your friends and the places that you’ve been,
We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin.
The polish on your toes and the run in your hose,
And God knows we’re gonna talk about your clothes.

We talk about your rhyming dictionary, and your game of pictionary
Oh, sorry. Now back to his lyrics.

You know talkin’ about you makes me smile, but every once in a while,
I wanna talk about me, I wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number 1 oh my, me, my,
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see.
I like talkin’ about you, you, you, you usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me! (me, me, me,) I wanna talk about me-e-e. (me, me, me)

Wow!

-from Can't Buy You Money (from the album White Trash With Money)

I got a sweet little woman at home
She knows that I love her true
I got three little kids at home on the floor
They love their daddy too
I got one on the way and I don’t think I can pay the doctor bill
I never finished paying the last one off
Don’t guess I ever will

So we save it all up for a rainy day
But it’s always sunny
Guess all the happiness in the world
Can’t buy you money

I wish I could represent the full scope of crappy lyrics this guy is responsible for. Let me put it this way. I had him at 9, because 'Should've Been a Cowboy' is one hell of a song, but the sheer volume of poor songwriting TK is responsible for prompted me to move him here.

4 Natasha Bedingfield

No one has a song that exemplifies the spirit of this list as much as Natasha's These Words.

Sample Lyrics

-from These Words

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

The whole song is an exercise in song writing that results in the writing of a bad song. Alanis, is that ironic?

-from Size Matters (I've included the whole song, cause it's that craptastic!)

Bu-bada Bu-bada Bu-bada bada ba ba ba
Bu-bada Bu-bada Bu-bada bada ba ba ba

What the hell?

I’ve been sizing you up and stuff
and stuff?
Watching you live life large
Cliche #1
Enough for the both of us
To big up the love

Big up the love?

Got the measure of the man in you
Cliche #2
It’s more than the sum of the quarters
It’s true what they say
You’ve got to big up the love

No one says that.

I was checking out the things you do
Standing in the Starbucks queue
You buy coffee for a stranger
Who’s down on their luck

Is a regularly used euphemism a cliche?

Random acts of kindness flow
Cliche #3 and 1/2
Compassion from a hand I’d like to hold
It does it for me
And I can’t get enough

Ohh
Don’t confuse me when I say
Ohh
Please don’t take this the wrong way

You can lead a heart to love
But you can’t make it fall

Actually other people's lyrics

I’m tired of loving small
‘Cause…

Size matters (size matters)
Cliche #4 and a 1/2
And not how you think
I’m talking bout your heart
And what you do with it

The more seeds you plant them
More flowers will grow
#5 and 1/2

So…
Big up the love ‘till it overflows

Most brookes too shallow to swim in
Only interested in one thing
It’s all so meaningless
‘Cause paddles dry up
A view of the world so small
It limits the size of the dream
And you achieve in it
Blah-blee-blah!

(A new panorama)
What?

And you put your arms around me
I see my life how it should be
You can lead a heart to love
But you can’t make it fall
I’m tired of loving small
‘Cause…

Size matters (size matters)
And not how you think
I’m talking bout your heart
And what you do with it

The more seeds you plant them
More flowers will grow
So…
Big up the love ‘till it overflows
(Big up the love)
Big up the love ‘till it overflows

Big it up, big it up
(big it up)
Big it up, big it up

(size matters)

Big it up, big it up
(big up the love)
Big it up, big it up

Oh Oh
Ohhh…

You can lead a heart to love
But you can’t make it fall
I’m tired of loving small

Bu-bada Bu-bada Bu-bada bada ba ba ba
Bu-bada Bu-bada Bu-bada bada ba ba ba

Size matters (size matters)
And not how you think
I’m talking bout your heart
And what you do with it

The more seeds you plant them
More flowers will grow
So…
Big up the love ‘till it overflows
(Big up the love)
Big up the love ‘till it overflows

Big it up, big it up
(big it up)
Big it up, big it up

It’s the little things you do
That show me how big you are

Big up the love ‘till it overflows

Those words suck so bad that I actually lost the will to mouth them.

3 Nickelback

This band is prone to cliche ridden lyrics, too many father issues and repeated phrases, but mostly I just think they write about stupid stuff.

Sample Lyrics

-from Feelin' Way Too Damn Good (I should rest my case.)

I missed you so much
That I begged you to fly and see me
You must've broke down
Coz you finally said that you would
But now that you're here
I just feel like I'm constantly dreaming

Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feelin' way too damn good

-from Photograph

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if It's too late
Should i go back and try to graduate
Life's better now then it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Here's the main problem I have with these lyrics besides the obvious dumbest line ever written at the end of the first stanza; I can actually see how the song was constructed. I don't have to search for any deep meaning. It's like when someone first starts to write poetry (I'll do it here from my desk) and so thy describe all the stuff around them; gotta window for looking out, a hole punch and some whiteout, I got a stapler that I never use, and there's my pair of working boots. Now, you can sing those lyrics over these crappy ones by Nickelback...try it...and that took me twelve seconds.

2 Pussycat Dolls

Here's a novelty act of beautiful women who sing (well at least one of them does) mostly about how hot they are. Which is just a waste of my time. I can see that!

Sample Lyrics

-from Stickwitu (which should really be enough on its own)

Nobody gonna love me better
I must stickwitu forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I must stickwitu.
You know how to 'preciate me
I must stickwitu, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stickwitu.

-from Beep (which is maybe the worst song ever and a collaboration with Will.I.Am from Black Eyed Peas)
Every ... represents an audible beep like when radio or TV censors something

[Will.I.Am]
It's funny how a man only thinks about the...
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your...
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your...
Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your...
[PCD]
I don't give a...
Keep looking at my...
'Cause it don't mean a thang if you're looking at my...
I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your...
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Now perhaps I am expecting too much from a group (?) that calls themselves The Pussycat Dolls, but their lyrics are incredibly bad.

1 Black Eyed Peas

This group is made up of eccentric charecters that I think are probably pretty talented, just misguided. They often have songs that get stuck in your head and include fresh musical sounds. They have the worst lyrics I can think of though.

Sample Lyrics

-from Let's Get Retarded (I'm not making that up.)

Get retarded, get retarded, get retarded.
Let's get retarded (ha), let's get retarded in here. Let's get retarded (ha), let's get retarded in here.
Let's get retarded (ha), let's get retarded in here. Let's get retarded (ha), let's get retarded in here.

They succeed!

-from Smells Like Funk (Really, that's the name of the song.)

If it smells like Funk it must be us
The Funk Funk full foul stinky it's stanky stuff
If it smells like Funk it must be us
The Funk Funk full foul stinky it's stanky stuff
If it smells like Funk it must be us
The Funk Funk full foul stinky it's stanky stuff
If it smells like Funk it must be us
Cause nobody's Funky as us, Cause we keep it Stinky (Stinky)
We keep it Stinky, (Stinky)
We keep it Stinky, (Stinky)
We keep it Stinky, (Stinky)
Stinky, Stinky, Stinky,

Yep!

-and from My Humps (a true benchmark for crappy lyricism)

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)

I asked a fourth grader I know who was singing My Humps what it was about and after a few moments thought she blushed and said, "Her booty!"

Thanks for your contribution to the world Black Eyed Peas!

There are many many other horrible songs in their catalog that I didn't have the energy to include here. Here are some of their titles which may make the same point:
Shut Up (mostly repeats the phrase 'shut up')
The Boogie That Be (I bet it be really bad)
The Apl Song (probably another song about her ass)
Don't Phunk With My Heart (no, no, no, no)
Dum Diddly (what you must be to buy their record and what you'll get out of that purchase)
Bebot (the only thing I can tell you about this song is they repeat saying Filipino over and over)
Ba Bump (probably what her ass does)